Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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