Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
