i was born a porn star she said
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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