I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
