At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
