I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
