I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize