Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
