my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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