so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
