We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
