At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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