It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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