I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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