You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
