I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Your shirt... Was in my pants
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
