pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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