Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
