Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
