Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
