the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
