His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
