i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
