he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
