Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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