I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
