I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
