I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
