I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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