Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
