Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
