Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
