Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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