All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
