I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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