Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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