At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
