just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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