I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
