If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
