I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
