im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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