Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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