Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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