I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize