I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
