apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
