My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
