I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
