Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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