You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
