I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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