You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
