Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize