Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
