What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
